this too shall pass…

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yes, those are my feet. (nice ankle-sock tan, eh?)

yesterday i went to a decadence pool party with some friends. the pool ended up being more of an oversized bathtub, about 6’x10′, though very pretty. i wasn’t really feeling like immersing my entire body in water, but i did dangle my feet in. hence, the photo. it somehow seems fitting for this entry.

i had hoped when i got back from fest this summer that i would get better about writing in this blog. but even though i hardly get any traffic to it on a daily basis, it’s ended up feeling way too public for me to write about what’s going on in my head and heart these days. i’ve mostly been relegating any writing i’m doing on those topics to my livejournal, which is more private, and really, i’m hardly writing there either. i write in my own private journal sometimes, but that’s not for public consumption in any way. just a place for me to work stuff out. and clearly, i need to be working some shit out right now.

without much of a crafty or other work life happening right now, i find i don’t have all that much to say. yeah, i went to decadence. there were semi-naked gay men in crazy outfits. lots of people were drunk. i’m glad i got out of the house on such a pretty day and went to the party and parade, and yes, a part of me does still enjoy these kinds of displays of public theater that are so commonplace here in new orleans… but mostly i wasn’t really feeling it. the parade was incredibly short, i saw only a handful of dykes that i wasn’t there with, and i clearly was not fucked up enough to be having all that much of a good time. (i chose not to drink too much because i’m trying to be nicer to body right now and not contribute to the depression i’m already fighting.) i did drink a few beers, but passed on the everclear jello shots being sold out of someone’s front door on royal street that everyone else was consuming like candy.

i took a bunch of photos. these guys were my favorites:

after the parade we all went back to the pool party and i hung around for a while, ate a brat and a burger (thanks y’all!), but after a bit, i just realized i should just go home. i just wasn’t feeling it and didn’t want to bring anybody else down. i was sad i missed the black men of labor 2nd line that went right by the house a little later after i’d gone, but oh well. it’s new orleans… there will always be another parade, another 2nd line… thank goddess.

so anyways. today i’m supposed to be writing my music column, possibly my last one for them, but i’m having a hard time getting going. i’m listening to this new disc by a band called the drums. they are kinda perfect for my mood today, retro emo a la the smiths or joy division, with song titles like “it will all end in tears” and “i need fun in my life.” <sigh>

yeah. i do need some fun in my life. i’m working on it, and for the most part, i feel like i’ve been doing a really good job of self-care and trying to be positive. i’ve been exercising regularly, taking my vitamins, and getting out of the house and socializing a LOT more. i’m taking the baby steps. i’m just having a rough patch. everybody has rough patches.

this too shall pass. hopefully sooner rather than later.

#kplus5 weekend

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while feeling fairly overwhelmed by my own personal soul-searching and introspection that i’ve been engaged in since i got back from michfest, it is of course katrinaversary weekend here in new orleans. and not just any old katrinaversary – as if any of them are less harrowing than any other – but this one seems way more overloaded with media coverage and memorial activity than the last few, being the fifth anniversary.

i had thought the only k+5 type of event i would be partaking in this weekend would be the rising tide conference. i registered for it back in july and have been looking forward to it ever since, and felt like that was probably all i could handle. it’s an all-day event on saturday, plus i’m going to the opening party for it tonight, down at the howling wolf, with my new friend derrick, aka geekandahalf for those of you on twitter. so yeah, seemed like plenty enough for me in and of itself.

but, well, here i am, on friday the 27th, and i started my day listening to the rachel maddow podcast from last night’s show, which was shot live in algiers point and largely concerned itself with the topic of k+5. i always listen to something on my ipod while i’m out for my daily morning walk, and so this morning it somehow seemed appropriate to listen to that show. (it was really good, btw – i highly recommend taking the time to listen to/watch it. i just love her!)

what i wasn’t necessarily expecting was being inexplicably drawn to walk by the new orleans katrina memorial in the cemeteries on canal street. i somehow, even though it’s in my neighborhood and has now been there for two years, had eluded awareness of this until just the other day when i heard something about it on some npr show i was listening to in the car. and suddenly, i wondered why i had never noticed it before. so this morning, as i set out on my walk, i decided to go looking for it, just so i’d know where it was.

but then when i got there, i couldn’t not go in. i felt pulled in. it’s pretty intense, i have to say. from first noticing the awesome fleur-de-lis-with-swirling-water-below-it design that repeats itself in the iron fencing, to reading the marble marker that sits at the center of its overall hurricane-shaped layout, the memorial is certainly designed for introspection and reflection… and the blank marble vaults that house the unidentified victims of the storm and floods are a solemn reminder of the real human loss that occurred.

i obviously took a few pics on my smart phone while continuing to listen to rachel maddow, pausing for a moment to take it all in, and then i was off on a one-hour walk around my neighborhood that i love (mid-city).

i’ve then spent most of my day listening in on the tedxnola event happening down in the french quarter. i’d considered going to it, but in my present state of unemployment and dwindling funds, i didn’t feel like i could give up the $35 to attend. much to my surprise and delight, i discovered this morning there is a live feed of the proceedings online, so i’ve been selectively tuning in and out as my interest level dictates throughout the day.

the topic of this event is not exactly katrina nor is it a memorial – it is focused on creativity in crisis, or what good and creative things have come out of the disaster. so there have been some interesting speakers – james carville being my favorite thus far, and i loved kimberly rivers roberts (trouble the water) – but on the whole, i think i’m glad i did not give up my $35. i’ll just say… it ain’t no rising tide! (holla!)

i still don’t really have any plans for sunday. (guess i didn’t win tickets to see obama speak at xavier – oh well.) perhaps i’ll take the day off and just spend it at home, hanging out with fae. or maybe i’ll feel pulled out to one of the dozens of events happening around town on the actual anniversary day. who knows. i guess i’ll just have to wait and see.

k+5

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i’ve had so much on my mind that i’ve wanted to get out, written down, since i got back from fest that i’m just now getting around to absorbing the fact that the fifth anniversary of katrina and the levee failures is right around the corner. i haven’t really let myself think about it all that much yet.

i’m not exactly sure what i’ll be doing on the 29th, the actual date of the anniversary, which is a sunday this year. i do know on the 27th and 28th, i hope to be simultaneously engaged and distracted by the goings-on of the rising tide conference, the annual so-called nola blogger conference. i went last year for the first time and really enjoyed it; it made me feel more connected to the online community here in nola, even though i only knew a handful of people in attendance and i didn’t really do much to introduce myself or meet many new folks. but i did pick up a whole new bunch twitter followers, as i brought my laptop with me and live-tweeted for much of the day, and in turn added dozens to my follow list… many of whom i’ve really enjoyed interacting with over this past year and have since met in real life. i think this year’s event is going to be huge, and i’m hoping i will be motivated to come out of my shell a little bit more and actually meet more people.

what to say about new orleans, five years after? i never really know how to answer the questions of “how’s new orleans doing?” i got asked that a bunch of times at festival. it’s a complicated question with a complicated answer, that, unless you are living here, is difficult to understand.

i read recently somewhere that my part of town, mid-city, is considered to be 95% “back,” whatever exactly that means. and if i look around my neighborhood, the immediate streets around me, on the surface, that seems to be true – particularly in my part of mid-city, near the cemeteries. life seems pretty normal and well-adjusted. but upon closer inspection, which i had the opportunity to do in my time with the census, as the first block i was assigned was my own, things are not always what they seem. as i walked my block and knocked on every door, i was amazed to learn that there were 12 vacant houses – some which had been sitting up since the storm, some of which were in some state of being repaired – in just my city block alone. (a city block means not just the side of the street i live on, but walking clockwise around all four streets of the plot of land that constitutes my block until i end up back at my house.) i have lived here for two years and i had never noticed there were so many empty houses!

so yeah. “back” means something different in different parts of town. of course, if you are uptown on the “sliver by the river” which did not suffer flooding for the most part, things might not look all that different than they did before the storm. much like the french quarter, which also did not flood. but if you are driving around, say, gentilly, or lakeview, or hollygrove – all neighborhoods i spent a LOT of time in while doing the census – you realize, recovery is a block by block thing. some blocks look great, and others are wastelands. many many empty lots where houses used to stand; many many dilapidated structures that really ought to be demolished but struggle to remain standing, mostly untouched since the storm; and many in-progress and recent renovations, for the lucky.

is the city functional again? well, probably slightly more functional, actually, than it was before… what with the new mayor working hard and the DOJ working to try to rehabilitate the NOPD. there is reason to be hopeful, though we’ve got a LONG way to go. but it’s hard to say unequivocally that new orleans is mostly “back” or that things are largely back to “normal.” because it really does depend on who you are, where you live, and what your circumstances are.

for me personally, it’s a mixed bag. on the surface, yes, i am “back” in the physical sense, living in new orleans, even in mid-city, two blocks down from my old apartment. i have a lovely home, a loving girlfriend, two cute cats and a dog. i’ve been able to pursue my dream of making my living as an artist/crafter for the past few years and have made a pretty good go of it – well, until the economy tanked. i’ve reconnected a little with many old friends and am slowly figuring out ways to become a contributing member of the community again. all in all, it would seem like the traumas of katrina have faded from my life, five years out.

but dig a little deeper, and well, life has its ups and downs. i find myself at a crossroads about my work/career life and my relationship with money, and i have sadly come to the realization that i’m lonelier now, being here in new orleans and not feeling terribly connected to those who were previously my closest friends, than when i lived in louisville and didn’t know anyone. it’s that proverbial “alone in a crowd” feeling, where i know so many of the people around me to some degree, having been part of this community since 1990, but don’t feel close really to anyone.

so the answer to whether i am personally “back” or not is… depends on which day you ask me. i don’t feel like i’ve managed to crawl back into my pre-k skin entirely and i fear i never will… but i’m working hard right now to transform the journey i’ve been on in the past five years into a better, new version of me, just like the city is trying to reimagine itself not simply as the city it was before the floods, but a new and improved city deeply rooted in its past but looking to the future.

the trick is to not get bogged down in what used to be and what has been lost, but to envision what can be, and what there is to look forward to.

wish me/us luck.

dyke summer camp

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i didn’t take but a handful of pictures this summer at festival – the michigan womyn’s music festival, what many of us who attend/work there every summer refer to as “dyke summer camp.” i guess it’s not all that weird; many years, i go to fest and forget to take pictures. other years, i take hundreds, constantly. but it did strike me as a little odd this year, as i’ve been pretty attached to my camera and documenting everything around me. i certainly went with the intention of taking more pics.

but once i was there, even though i carried the camera around with me almost daily in my messenger bag, i just didn’t think to take it out. maybe it was a good thing; maybe it was a subconscious thing, that i was trying to be more present, in the moment, rather than stepping outside myself or any given situation to be behind the camera, documenting. or maybe i just plain forgot. not sure.

i did have one afternoon, during festival week, when i was working late… i was the last one left in my area, waiting on a workshop in the media tent to finish, and decided to relax in the hammock. every year i have been on the media crew (we show the movies, and attend to workshops that have need for media equipment, i.e. dvd, powerpoint, sound, etc.), we have had a lovely hammock we hang off a very old tree that sits in our “back yard,” our break area. this year, when we arrived, we noticed the limb we usually attach the hammock to was gone. we had to hunt for a new location, which ended up being between two smaller trees right next to the media tent. not exactly in our back yard anymore, but convenient for the media crew to lay in while babysitting media workshops.

whilst laying there, i was gazing up at the leaves and limbs of the trees holding the hammock, swaying in the breeze… just appreciating nature and the great gift that it is every summer i am able to be there, in those woods in michigan, breathing in fresh air, doing very physical work, disconnected from cell phones and laptops and the 24-hour news cycle and all the stresses associated with the outside world. it really is the best self-care i give myself, a few weeks (usually three now but i used to do the five-week longer crew) away from the world to just be, to focus on just whatever is happening in my immediate vacinity. it’s like a recalibrating exercise, one that makes space in my brain to see the big picture by focusing on just my present experience… flushing out all the minutia, the facts, the headlines, the tweets, the status updates, the text messages. allowing my head and my heart (and sometimes my body) to talk to each other a little bit easier.

anyways, that afternoon, as i was laying on the hammock, staring up at the trees, i got the urge to grab my camera and take a few shots. i took a bunch of the trees themselves, like the one below, and then also felt drawn to the rows and rows of colorful flags that were strung between some other trees between the media tent and the workshop tent. the flags had been made in a workshop, i think, and had varying sentiments on them, in the style of prayer flags. it’s interesting to me that i chose to zoom in on one particular flag – seen in the photo at the top of this post – that says “change focus.” i wasn’t really thinking much about it in the moment – it just caught my eye, being yellow and in the center of my field of vision, one of the few flags that was facing me – but now, i feel like it was my cleared and big-picture-thinking brain sending me a message to hopefully be discovered post-festival, when i am back in the world and losing grip on the clarity i always feel i have while i’m there.

change focus. a simple thought, but so hard to do, really, particularly when caught up in the whirlwind of information and activity and deadlines and money and stress of the outside world. but yeah, i think it is time to change focus. and i think i’ve been knowing that for a while and slowly moving in that direction, sometimes without even realizing it.

i still don’t exactly know what it is, what is coming, what is about to happen, what the new focus is. but it’s something. some kind of big change. a big change that i really need. i can’t keep doing things the way i’ve been doing them, cuz it’s not really working for me. i don’t want to keep feeling stuck. i’ve been there before and would prefer not to need some major catastrophe like 9-11 or katrina to happen in order for change to occur. it’d be nice if this time i was in control and made things happen, because i want it and need it and know it and will it.

so yeah. change focus. my two-word summary of my dyke summer camp experience… or i guess what it is that i’m bringing home with me from my experience. oh there was lots of great music, amazing performances, beautiful and mindblowing women, a deeply satisfying and fairly smooth work experience, lots of delicious food, a gorgeous forest, great conversations, interesting movies, strengthening of bonds and community, lots of dirt in my shoes, sweat on my brow (and everywhere else!), the loveliest outdoor showers ever (!), some painful emotions, a good deal of crying, woo to the nth degree, breathtaking fireworks, lots of hugs, and brilliant stars in the sky. and so much more that i’m trying desperately to hang on to for as long as i can.

but thank goddess i took my camera out that one afternoon while swinging in the hammock.

catching up, and… what’s next?

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wow. it’s been a while since i posted here. i had such high hopes when i switched over to wordpress from blogger, that it would inspire me to write so much more cuz the page looked so much prettier. didn’t really happen, though. i got kinda caught up in the whirlwind of information about the oil disaster and mostly utilized my facebook page as a resource for reposting pertinent articles and my commentary on such. i only used the blog here to talk about design responses – mostly t-shirts – and got a little obsessed with that topic for a while. and then promptly lost interest when it seemed there were more t-shirts than barrels of oil in the gulf.

and then i went on vacation to dyke summer camp for 3 weeks. i just got back on saturday night.

i have a lot on my mind upon returning from the woods, not the least of which is what i will be doing for a job. the census gig is up now (it sure was sweet while it lasted!), and i’ve realized i really enjoyed having a regular paycheck and didn’t miss hauling all my arty-crafty stuff around every weekend and freaking out when i barely make my booth fee back at a market. i’m not saying i won’t continue art by mags!, but for now, i’m not particularly inspired (and also i’m flat broke, and thus don’t have start-up funds to get my inventory back up). so it seems to make sense to start the job hunt for some kind of regular work… and then hopefully when my finances even back out, i’ll feel less stressed and be more inspired to want to get back to the crafty life.

i’m not exactly sure what that job will be, though. i don’t really know what i’m looking for. i’m basically open to what the universe throws at me, and pray she throws it quickly. i’d like it to be something i felt some level of passion about, cuz i’ve learned i don’t really do so well with things i’m not particularly interested in. (i get bored easily.) i have a LOT of varied skills, but not any super focused specialties. i’m really good at social media, but not school-trained, just intuited. same goes for basic web design, stuff like wordpress and blogger and even some rudimentary html (cuz i’ve used both to make my own websites for years). i’m diy baby all the way!

i have a lot of strong left-leaning political views and can be really passionate about the environment, queer/women’s issues, racism, poverty, and many other social issues. i’ve been writing professionally since i was 22, so for more than 20 years, mostly about music but also film, politics, and general interest stuff. i edited my own magazine for 3 years too (again, music – DJs, nightlife, the club scene). and i’ve been a volunteer PR/publicity person for just about every grassroots/community/nonprofit group i’ve ever been involved with, ranging from the lgbtq film festival in nola to a variety of nola queer community groups to the roller derby league in louisville, ky (during my katrina displacement) and currently the new orleans craft mafia. oh yeah, and i was a club DJ, too, for almost 20 years. i also have managed the film tent and outdoor movies at dyke summer camp for 12 years (av club!). and then i worked for the census for three months and surprisingly LOVED it and was really good at it. (who knew?)

i’ve done a lot of different things over the years. i’m not even going into all the grunt-like jobs i’ve done for $$ that i didn’t particularly like (landscaping, house cleaning, investigator for a law firm, etc.) but i feel like i’m at some kind of a crossroads right now. i’m 43. i’ve been self-employed or a contract worker for most of my adult life. i have no health insurance. i have no savings. i don’t own a house or a car. i need just a tiny little bit of financial stability, at least for a little while. or who knows – maybe i can find that dream job that uses my skills and background in a creative way and challenges me and taps into my passions and, well, pays me decently. i just don’t quite know what that dream job is right now. i’m waiting for it to make itself known to me. (i wish it would hurry up!)

i know it’s hard to look for a job when you don’t really know what you are looking for, but i’m just trusting in the universe that if i put it out there enough, it will come to me. either i will figure out what i am looking for, or it will find me and let me know that’s what i’ve been looking for.

so here’s me, putting it out there. i’m all ears. whatcha got for me?

how many t-shirts does it take to fix the oil disaster?

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i don’t know the answer to that question. i’m just asking.

in the mean time, i will continue to bring you t-shirt designs i find interesting from designers/companies who are using their creative skills to raise some money for non-profits and other organizations responding to the oil disaster.

the local t-shirt makers are still coming up with the best stuff, in my opinion. local silkscreeners saturn screenprinting have a couple sharp looking spoofs on the bp logo on vibrant green shirts (above) – one that says “spill baby spill” and the other the more direct “fu bp.” there are lots of shirts using the bp logo now, but these catch my eye as being similar enough so that you know it’s a bp logo without having to actually BE the bp logo -  i like that. all proceeds from the sales of these shirts will go to the gnof gulf coast oil spill fund. you can pick one up online for $20 including shipping, or stop by their central city location and get it in person for only $15.

i was wondering how long it would take for fledgling t-shirt empire storyville to come up with their own fundraising shirt for the gulf, and lo and behold, they have. this is one of my favorite designs i’ve seen so far; i just really dig all the little drawings of fish, crabs, crawfish, shrimps, oysters and other local sealife that make up the shape of louisiana. (and the color palette is pleasing, too.) they too are donating to the gnof gulf coast oil spill fund, with $5 from each $23 t-shirt sale being donated. you can pick one up at their magazine street location or order online.

i noticed storyville also just added this one too, which spells it out loud and clear. this one is on one of those trendy burnout shirts in a color scheme that resembles dirty water; it’s a cool effect. these are $30 and some portion of each sale will go to the same charity, the gnof gulf coast oil spill fund, though it is unclear how much. again, available in their shop on magazine or online.

i first saw this design on skip n’ whistle‘s facebook page; they were saying it was the only design they carry in the shop at this point that is not their own. so i wondered who had made it. i’d seen others posting about it, saying they’d seen it on cnn and local tv news, so i did some googling and found that it belongs to nola tee, and is benefiting the st. bernard project, to help commercial fishermen affected by the oil disaster. it appears it comes in different colors and in both men’s and women’s sizes. click the picture above to go to their site for ordering, or call or stop by skip n’ whistle to see if they still have any in stock.

speaking of skip n’ whistle, they continue to come up with more of their own original designs in response to the oil disaster. i’ve featured two of their other designs in previous posts, but this is their most recent one, time is running out for bp. they continue to donate a portion of their sales of these bp response shirts – $10/shirt on this design – to the humane society of louisiana, who are helping with wildlife rescue in the oil affected region.

of course, locals aren’t the only ones making fundraising t-shirts in response to the oilpocalypse, but i think i’ll leave that to a separate post, as this one is already getting long. if you know of other oil spill/bp related t-shirt designs that i haven’t covered that you think are cool, feel free to post them in a comment here.

stay tuned for more.