the last few weeks have been a lot, and have given me much to think about.

one of my human clients, craig coenson, died. he was the husband of a couple who’ve been my clients consistently for 13 1/2 years, 5 days a week, pretty much since i began my pet business, dog walking and frequent overnight petsitting. so over the years i’ve become friends with both of them. it’s a friendship based in one particular context, sure, but in that many years we’ve seen a lot together – things that have happened both in the world and in our lives. it’s a certain kind of intimacy that is shared when you work in someone’s home and care for their beloved animal family member(s). so it was shocking and upsetting to me that he died so suddenly and unexpectedly in his sleep one night. he was 63, very fit and vibrant, but did apparently have a heart condition. i guess it just gave out.

you just never know when your time is up. any day could be your last. accidents happen, or health issues – known or not, managed or not – can take us at any time. craig died way too young, too soon. i’m sure he had all kinds of plans for his future that won’t ever come to fruition now. i grieve his loss and feel so much empathy for his wife, kathy, and all of his family, friends and coworkers. he was very loved and will be missed.

his abrupt death has really made me take stock. as i wrote here in this blog not too long ago, i’ve already been far too aware of how quickly time is passing now that i’m older, that the days ahead of me are fewer than those behind me. but craig’s passing has been a reminder that no tomorrows are guaranteed. that you better do the things you want to do in your life sooner rather than later, and be sure to tell your people that you love them every chance you get.

this having happened is the backdrop to the next thing i’ll tell you about. a few days ago i went to a social/info session for jazzfest crafts artists. it’s something i became aware of last year as my friends debra and karen – karen is an amazing artist who has exhibited at jazzfest for many years – invited me to go, but last october i was on vacation in new mexico the exact week the social happened, so i missed it. luckily they invited me to go again this year, so i tagged along just to gather info and take a step in the direction of maybe someday applying to be a jazzfest crafts artist. it was definitely out of my comfort zone. but it was low key. i met a bunch of other artists, some who have sold at jazzfest before and some who are new and applying for the first time. the jazzfest crafts admin folks gave a little presentation and answered questions about the application process. so i now know a lot more than i did before about the nuts and bolts of applying and being selected to sell art at jazzfest. everyone there was very encouraging and friendly. i’m glad i pushed myself to go.

will i apply? i could… it would take a monumental amount of work to pull it together for this year though. applications are open now and the deadline is the 3rd of december. but probably not, not this year. one of the requirements is to submit a photo of what your booth would look like, with all your work in it. i do have some finished pieces but not enough to fill a booth, and none of them really look like they were made by the same person! i simply don’t have enough to give jurors an idea of who i am as an artist… which is sadly still something i am trying to figure out for myself.

i still haven’t really found my style or groove with abstract painting. every time i think i might be onto something, i change directions and want to do something different. do i want to paint solely abstract and focus on texture and color? do i want to do mixed media incorporating collage and/or found objects? do i want to do abstract folk art? do i want to paint on canvas? wood panels? paper? do i want to go back to silkscreen and/or stencil printing? work with the gelli plate? all of the above?? my adhd brain has me bouncing all over the place every single time i make it into the studio and i no sooner start working on one thing than i want to switch to something completely different.

all of this is a long way to say, i really don’t think i’m ready to apply to something like jazzfest. i just don’t have my shit together. most artists at least have some semblance of a style, a reason they create what they create, something they are known for – either a style or a subject matter or even a process. i have a hundred styles right now, none of which are refined or honed into any kind of consistency. i feel like i’m still in the make-a-lot-of-bad-art-until-it-starts-getting-better phase, and i still have a ways to go.

and yet, i can so clearly visualize it all, largely due to the fact that i used to be a crafts artist and did the art market scene to some extent with my stenciled stuff back in the post-katrina days. i can visualize completing the application, photographing my work, putting together a booth, and even the logistics of being out at jazzfest. i can visualize everything except the actual art that i would be selling. that’s the sticking point! so i guess i should just use this new knowledge about the application process as a way to motivate myself to work harder to get my shit together for next year. to keep making lots of art until it starts to make sense, until i start to understand what my motivation and style is. so i can articulate that. because that is part of the application… and part of being an artist.

so yeah. yesterday i finally got back into the studio. it’s been a while. life has gotten in the way and i’ve gotten very good at procrastinating/resisting creating, or really even stepping foot into my studio, lest i have to confront all these big thoughts. i spent much of the day in there, tidying, setting myself up, and painting. working on old stuff. working on new stuff. i have so many things in process/unfinished. it did feel good to be painting. but it also feels super frustrating to spend the whole day in there and not feel like i made any real progress on anything. sure, it was therapeutic to just play with paint. but if all i’m doing is playing with paint, performing art therapy on myself, then i probably should just give up this dream of being a successful artist one day and just be in the moment and enjoy what i’m doing. right?

that’s my struggle really. is all this – all the classes, the art supplies, the playing with paint, mixed media, gelli plates, etc. – going somewhere? is it my learning and gestating phase, before finally coming into my own as an artist where i am able to make an income again from my creativity, cover the cost of renting a larger studio, and cut back or quit the pet business? or is this it? am i just using the process of creating as part of my wellness routine? ideally the answer would be that it’s both. but it would alleviate a lot of self-imposed stress if i just let go of the hopes and dreams part of my art being the way i make my mark on the world and leave a legacy, or of it being my retirement plan.

sigh. sometimes i think those hopes and dreams are what keep me alive, keep me looking to the future, striving, continuing to be curious, give me purpose. sometimes i think they are holding me back, keeping me in a future that might not ever happen and preventing me from being here now and being fully present, enjoying every minute. do other people have these existential debates in their heads? other artists? or am i just an overthinker?

i woke up this morning really sad that i have such a busy work day that will keep me out of the house almost the entire day and into the evening. no time in the studio today. most of this week will be like that too. october is the start of busy season for the pet biz that won’t stop until january. so if i want studio time, i will have to steal it in 20-30 minute spurts in between clients or in the dark of early morning or evening, which generally is not when i like to create. (my studio is not well lit in the darkness, and being a leo, i am ruled by the sun so my energy is lower when it’s dark.) will i go another few weeks before i spend time in my studio again? i hope not but it’s a possibility. i just have to keep reminding myself that our tomorrows are not promised, so i should do what i want to do today while i’m still here. and if making art is really want i want to be doing, then i need to be doing it.

thanks for reading.